After so long....................................................

It has been a long while since i last posted and even took a look at my blog.... In the past few years, many things have happened and i feel that i kind of lost myself somehow.... i am not someone who has a lot of friends to begin with, when i am sad or when i am happy, i don't know who i can share these with... maybe because i am born an introvert and i don't like to burden others with what is happening in my life.... i guess i am like a vacuum, a black hole that i swallow everything (good or bad), into myself...... it is pretty tiring and i am 29 this year..... sometimes i envy a lot of my friends, my peers, my colleagues and many others, i wish i am someone different, i wish i am someone who see things in a more casual way, i wish i wasn't a sensitive person and i even wish that i don't have to go through these things. Does people still read blogs? I don't know really. I don't read blogs, i just share my own insights about my own life and just using blog as a platform for me to pour my feelings and emotions out.....

The most challenging things in life is to manage people and to be with people. We are all so unpredictable, so emotional, we have our own demons and angels in us, no matter how religious we are, no matter how well we carry ourselves in front of people. We cast doubts on each other, we make judgments, we have our own opinions about things, we have many things in us that differs from one another.

Having been through a few situation, i began to realize that i get myself emotionally attached to people or things around me unconsciously.... i wish i am not like that really, it is taking a toll on me. I am not too sure about the others but it is kind of tiring for me..... it is tough and it is tough to grow up to be an adult, having to manage the changes and having to be who you are supposed to be at that particular age in life. Sometimes i don't even know who i am to myself and to others.... i don't even know how long this is going to last and i really don't know what is going to happen in the future with me being me...... sometimes i really wish that i have someone whom i can talk to and someone who can relate to my kind of situation, to talk to me, to console me and to give me some hope.... but till this time, i don't seems to have any luck with that....

I have come to a point where i don't know what sadness is or what happiness is.... there is just so much emotions going on in me that i don't know what is what..... two sides or even more sides of me seem to be fighting each other... i have a lot of characters or personalities that i adopt when dealing with different people (some of my friends who knows about me, will know exactly what i am talking about). i am seriously tired having to do this...... maybe i am purely an ultimate loner in this world, best to be alone, doing things alone and just about everything, be alone...... i have interest in very little things in life, i am not that usual guy that do things that many guys would do.

I have also realize that it is difficult to determine who is genuine and who is not.... everyone of us are good actors and actresses (that includes me). I trust myself more than i trust anybody else (i am NOT a trustworthy person, this i put it up front). People talk about good things about themselves to cover up the flaws but sometimes, flaws are good too as it shows a person's character or personality of both sides. It is all about perceptions i guess.......

i am exhausted......

So what exactly are the issues? And why?

Life has been tough for many people out there... with the recent Queensland flood, massive earthquake at Christchurch and Japan, Japan's tsunami and nuclear meltdown..... death toll rising each day, every seconds........ some times, i wish i can do more then just watching them helplessly on youtube, on Yahoo news and on TV........ been rather affected emotionally as tough time like this are hard to get by...... coupled with personal issues of career prospects, family financial issues, family troubles, maintaining a long distance relationship, living off simply over here in Brisbane, complete shut off from the world outside my personal world, facing tons of academic stress...... perhaps it is an incredible feat that i can still have a sound mind to type these out in a peaceful manner.

We have our own sets of thinking and mindset, what is on our mind doesn't necessary translate into what others have on theirs. We can't "superimpose" 2 person together and say they are the same simply because we ARE all DIFFERENT and unique in our ways. I don't expect people to carry the same philosophies and mindset as i do because in doing so, what's the point of using the word "unique" to describe each and everyone of us? It has always been about this word, "understand", do you understand how this person works? do u understand why this person works this way? do you understand where is this person coming from? alot of times, people just DON'T understand at all, why? number 1 - the depth of understanding is not enough; number 2 - too much surface informations have shrouded the person's mind from seeing what is inside etc....... many times, we are misguided by what is shown to us rather then what is "communicated" to us. I am not making a one sided stand........ on the other hand, things can be seen at a different perspective as well. Some people, or maybe most people are surface oriented and "smart" in making use of this idea of misleading others by stating the most "correct" way of how this person should feel or things that should be said to mislead others into believing their genuine actions. It is again, "perspectives based on your state of mind", a person's state of mind will influence his or her perspectives or point of view, personal experiences/ordeals etc are what that makes up the person's state of mind, much like a sculpture, if u know what i mean. No one perspective is an absolute right or an absolute wrong, it is all based on other factors that makes it the most correct or the most incorrect judgement. Many things are hard to explain given the unstable nature of human's emotions and thinking, it is all about your ability to put things in your mind, into perspectives and order before things become really clear and self-explanatory........

Quote of the night.....................

I have done nothing wrong behind your back, but if u feel i did, then i did..... because we see what our mind see..... no explanations can break this assumption apart because it became a "mind-oriented" fact....... but i still love you and that's just me...........

As the Day goes by....

So it has been almost 6 weeks since i came over. Everything seems fine and alright over here, nothing much has happened really. Picked up cycling as a mode of transport to school, which can help me save a little on the transportation fees. Signed up for a gym membership at STEPZ 24/7 gym at Saint Lucia. Pretty hardcore but not overly done although i have got myself amino acid tablets and protein powder.

Been rather stressful with my honours project, not very stressful but the pressure is there. But the thing is, i enjoy it actually, so much better than having to memorize what's the book. There is still a fair bit of memorizing here and there but most of the time, it is all about your techniques and writing skills. Well, good luck to me for my research! Will find time to write a longer post!

Quote of the night.....

Sometimes nothing else matters when you have 1 person who believes in you......

2 weeks have gone by....

Time flies.... i am wondering if i should feel apprehensive of this "speed" or not.....

I can't help but to feel happy and fortunate to have you..... seriously, you have been the best person and the one and only that i ever wanted in my life...... you are the person that would make my life close to perfection..... i can't stop myself from missing you and thinking about you...... everything about u and about us bring warmth me when i just think of "us".....

There is only 1 thing i can say to you..... "you are the one" :)

Quote of the night....

Some times, the best things in our life are just beside us, yet we failed to realize and acknowledge their existence due to our constant demand for perfections in every aspects...... one can never settle down with a persisting idea of "perfection"...... you will see yourself exploring alternatives after deciding on your path.....

It has been a long time since......

And here i am, back to Brissie for my final year, the honours year! It wasn't easy for the start as a couple of "unfortunate" events happened to me hahaha (which i don't considered genuinely unfortunate, hence the inverted comas). I am sick now carrying a heavy and a soundless voice box (perhaps the reason why i would prefer writing than talking).

Trying to get things done over here, accommodation is the key issue over here, once that is out of the way and i will have more focus on my research.

It has been and will as it goes on, be a tough time for me. Unlike the usual time we spent physically together, we are now in different continents and even 2 hours a part! Thanks to APPLE INC for their great invention of the iPhone and their applications, i have got the ability to speak to my one and only, through Viber and be able to buzz each other up through WHATSAPP. hahaha

Many pictures were shared among us hahaha alil' of my OZ life and alil' of your SG life.......

I cannot say how much i love you but basically, you are my every breath that i take........ as we all know we can't live without oxygen..... and yes, you got it, YOU are my personal brand of oxygen that i breathe in........ i need you and just you.... love you baby!!

Quote of the night.....

Sometimes, it just takes you to BELIEVE and it will truly turn out to be a REALITY......

Walking on this endless road....

When i think back into the past, thought of how i used to be in Primary school. Quiet and often bullied by schoolmates around me. I was even bullied by my form teacher and i still remembered her name up till now. Apart from these ordeals (none generated any phobias in me), i do also got to know many nice primary school teachers and i still remember their names. Mrs Paula Tan used to be my mathematics teacher who did simple calculation on the board with funny sounds and gesture. Mrs Ong used to be my art teacher who brought me out of the classroom and scolded me (not loudly but softly) for using vulgarities freely in class. Mr Calvin Tay used to be my Primary 4 form teacher and also my physical education teacher as well. A very nice guy but can be fierce at times and his signature looks like an illustrative drawing of a bird (if u know what i mean, think juvenile). Ms Koh Gek Kiang used to be my Chinese teacher who left the school when i was in Primary 5, she left a very deep impression on me and the last day of her teaching career, she played the song "guan huai fang shi" on recorder for a few of us to listen. I saw tears in her eyes and likewise, me too. I know where she stayed but not sure if she has moved. Ms Siti Zhubaida used to be my English teacher, very soft-spoken person and extremely friendly. Mrs Yeo used to be my music teacher, she is fierce but we all liked her because she treats us really nice. Mdm Yong also used to be my music teacher, a rather old lady but very approachable. Mrs Nair used to be my science teacher who is by far, the best teacher i have met in Primary school. She invited us to her house in Yio Chu Kang, a bungalow and i was amazed by that humongous living room she had. That was also the first time i knew of the existence of that kind of house. During my Primary school days, i don't like to study at all and i hate morning classes. The only happy moments in school were buying malay food from the canteen, nuggets, chicken kebah and chicken platter. My favorite food in school. Block catching was my "school-hood" fun and going to my friend house, Jasrie, who stayed at block 793 in Yishun, used his computer and played games like Titanic. It seems all carefree but who would have expected that my life back then wasn't as simple as what other kids life were like....... In that period of time, i lost my grandfather and uncle..........in Primary 2 and Primary 3 respectively.....

Secondary school days were by far, the period when i learned alot of things about life by observing people and things around me. Groomed by many teachers because of my sister's notorious existence in school hahaha. I was the only student to ever have 5 CCAs in school and did well for my O levels (seemed like a dream that i really did not expect at all). Simple CCAs but you would see me carrying different items, in different outfits and running around the school during certain occasions. Photography, Leo club, Ex-co in prefectorial board, Choir and Northwest CDC junior counselor. The only day when i can go home right after school was monday and all the other days i could only leave at 5pm due to these commitments i had back then. I remembered all my teachers back then and till now i still occasionally head back to pay them a visit. As usual, i would hang out with my friends and play games at their place. I failed my first semester exam because i failed my English subject (in the past, if u fail English, u fail everything). I was disheartened but i worked hard from then onwards and my ranking moves up from the second semester all the way till the end. I have gotten bursary award for my first year and subsequently, scholarship award for the rest of the academic period. I was happy because i could have savings as emergency usage for my mother. I have never spent the money on clothes or necessities but all given to my mother. Perhaps that explains why i looked unappealing at all in those days. My life has always been 10 steps behind the usual people around me. When people are using handphones (those latest models), i am still using phonecards. Those were the kind of life i was in before but of course, nothing to complain about given that kind of a situation my family was in. O levels results were really shocking to me. I really did not expect i would do that well back then. I was dubbed the dark horse for that cohort. Someone quiet and silent who might turn out to be the shining star. True enough hahaha I noted jealously from a few of my friends when my name was announced in the hall as being one of the top scholar in that cohort. But that's alright.

No matter how tough life has been, time will still pass by and no matter how much you have suffered in the past, there is no such thing as "endless suffering"....... there will be one day when all will come to a stop and things will turn around...... it applies to enjoyment as well. When i looked back into my past, it all seems to have happened and ended yesterday all at once...... sometimes i do feel that i have not spent my days in the past wisely (referring to pri and sec school days) but it doesn't matter so long as you are living your life to the fullest from the moment you know that you don't want to regret about anything in life at all......

Quote of the night.....

It is all in the past but still deep-rooted in my memory that time will never be able to take it away from me.....

I though maybe perhaps...

Have this sudden urge of wanting to blog. It's already October 7th and in exactly 1 month will be the commencement of my exams, how exciting! Feeling really lethargic and really tired these few days, i wonder why. I hasn't smoked for a week already hahaha, kinda like an accomplishment :P

I have been thinking A LOT in these few months over here. Thinking about the future, the present and on love, family, career, friends, close friends, life and strangers...... So much questions accumulating in me and i really hope 1 day i could answer them thoroughly. It's not about telling others what's always on your mind would solve problems, different people have different approach to solving a problem. So i did rather find that solution by myself, things are always complicated by having more people knowing what the problems are (although not always).

Can't wait to return back to Singapore....... there are so many things i want to do when i go back and i hope i wouldn't be restricted in anyways although i know i am restricted by time from Mon to Fri..... but still i have got the night to live with.....

As humans, we all love to complain about others, criticize and judge other people without taking a closer look at themselves before passing nonsensical remarks on certain situation. When thing goes wrong, how can you be so sure that you are not the "aetiological agent" but others?

I have had enough people telling me how tough their life have been (not referring to anyone who have access to my blog), how terrible this guy is to her etc etc etc. hahaha, i wish i can complain about everything that i am not satisfied with hahahaha but most of the time i don't, i just solve them bit by bit and make myself satisfied with what the outcome of my solution is. It is alright if you complain and do something about it but it is damn annoying if you don't do anything at all.

I love the word "Karma"....... hahaha i can see this happening to quite a number of people around me. To harm others in any sense, be it in physical, emotional or psychological aspects, you put yourself at risk of getting the same thing happening to you in greater magnitude of effect....

I have been dreaming alot when sleeping. I remembered all my dreams and many were repetitive. At least there is still some "place" that i can let loose of everything that's bothering me and not care about them at all hahaha

Quote of the night....

It is important to be yourself, if you don't, what's the point of calling yourself "myself" when there is no one unique you?